Deep Impact - FC Thiên Ân

GSSL Division 3B October 31, 2010 10:00am Shoreline Center Park A

Deep Impact - FC Thiên Ân 5-1 (2-0)
1-0 Matt Choi (Kevin Dunigan)
2-0 Jose Chi (Kevin Dunigan)
3-0 Jak Ashuraliev (Kris Totev)
4-0 Hieu Duong (Jamie Watts)
5-0 Kris Totev (Matt Choi)
5-1

Five former Seattle Central SC players stole the headlines with a goal each as Deep Impact overcame FC Thien An for the second time in a week with a 5-1 victory at Shoreline.

Halloween weekend took its toll on the Deep Impact squad where a total of eight players missed out on the game, however, the Vietnamese side were in worse shape as they could only muster up seven starters. It was an obvious set-up for a bizarre encounter that simply cannot be explained. Impact was outplayed for long spells in the first half against seven men but played better when Thien An managed to get a full team on the field thanks to a few helping hands from Bosnia as the game went on. Kevin Dunigan got assists on both first half goals with excellent through balls, finished by Matt Choi and Jose Chi. Having four more players than their opponent, Impact should have been at least 8-0 up at half-time instead of just the pair of goals.

The second half showed improvement with three wonderful goals, but nothing spectacular happened other than the scoreline. Kris put Jak through with a precise chip behind the defense before the midfielder finished it off with a powerful volley. Vietnamese boy Hieu Duong toe-poked his first goal for the club against his countrymen after Jamie Watts spotted his run inside the box. Totev made sure of the win with a long range goal into the bottom corner and received affection from the referee with a pat on the shoulder. The away side's consolation goal three seconds before the final whistle was of less importance. A nice win without the best performance to back it up, but Impact still showed that they are capable of scoring a lot of goals even on a bad day.

In this week's news, if players tell the manager they're going to be at the game... show up.

FC Thiên Ân - Deep Impact

GSSL Division 3B October 24, 2010 2:00pm Foster High School

FC Thiên Ân - Deep Impact 0-5 (0-1)
0-1 Jak Ashuraliev (Jose Chi)
0-2 Jak Ashuraliev
0-3 Brian Virgin
0-4 Kevin Dunigan
0-5 Blake Ambrose (Matt Choi)

Uzbekistan's favorite son Jakhongir Ashuraliev lead Deep Impact to their seventh successive win with a wonderful brace as the Vietnamese side were ripped apart from start to finish at Foster High School in Tukwila.

The still undefeated Impact made it seven straight wins out of seven and a second clean sheet of the season thanks to a solid defensive display against ultra-aggressive FC Thien An. The Impact defense has improved tremendously in the past weeks and made few mistakes as the home side recorded only two shots on target. Ryan Camden's forecast was spot on yet again as both teams went for cover in the public restroom, away from the fierce rain and wind that awaited them in the first half.

It was evident that weather conditions would play a huge part in the events to follow as Impact kept most of the possession but didn't seem to find the breakthrough they desperately needed. The lack of possession and high pressure from the away side caused the Phở to get overheated, and instead of playing fair they chose to be naughty without much interference from the referee. The carefully chosen representatives from Cascade Gasket & Manufacturing Company, who was present at the game wearing Snuggies and three additional blankets, stated that some very nice footwork was taking place on the field but did not understand why the other team had to be meanieheads. The only goal of the half came from a perfect Jose Chicharinho free-kick that was met by The Jakubu's head in a warm beanie on the far post, taking his team into the public resting room with a narrow lead.

After a short break where shirtless Matthew McConaughey moments were bound to happen due to wet fabric on male bodies, Impact hunted for the breathing space an altar boy can only dream of. Jak, who is brimming with confidence since his return to Seattle, red-rocketed a free-kick deep into the opponent's goal from 30 meters out. Rumor has it that one can still smell the gun powder in the net. Minutes later FC Thien An got what they were supposedly looking for the entire game; a player sent off for a reckless challenge. Impact took advantage of being one man up when B-Virge popped out of nowhere and tapped in a third after a rebound from their goalkeeper. Versatile blondie Kevin Dunigan added a fourth with a gorgeous left-footed volley into the upper corner from outside the box. Ambrose, as so many times before, buried the game after being put through by Matt Choi. A magnificent run of form for Deep Impact continues with an outstanding goalscoring record of 32-7, a greater goal difference than any other team in the entire GSSL system.

For comic relief purposes and not necessarily news, the manager encourages his fellow teammates to come up with the most legitimate and original reasons to not participate in future events, especially the ones via text like 8 minutes before a game. The best stories and suggestions will be published in a special Deep Impact diary at the end of the season.

Deep Impact - Smells Like Low Tide

GSSL Division 3B October 17, 2010 9:30am Summit Playfields #2

Deep Impact - Smells Like Low Tide 6-0 (2-0)
1-0 Marty Klingebiel (Matt Choi)
2-0 Jak Ashuraliev (Kris Totev)
3-0 Marty Klingebiel (Jak Ashuraliev)
4-0 Jason Hawkes
5-0 Kris Totev
6-0 Blake Ambrose (pk)

Johnny Dominick got his first clean sheet of the season as Deep Impact cemented their place in pole position with an astounding 6-0 demolition in Lake City.

Impact were once again without six players and it makes you wonder what a great idea it was to include 20 players in the squad. Whoever made that decision must be a smart guy or something. Marty Klingebiel was back in contention after a thirst-quenching weekend in Pullman and made the starting lineup. A request to re-open the X-Files was denied as the whereabouts of two missing Impact players is still unknown to this day.

Manager Totev kept faith in the same back four from last weekend's win and they followed up with another great performance. Ryan Camden swept up everything in the back, complimented by Matt Sas who dominated both on the ground and up in the air with George Clooney. The two teams seemed evenly matched in the opening ten minutes or so before Marty, who thought it was a good idea to wear moccasins on a wet surface instead of cleats, came through with a cool finish often witnessed during his career at WSU Men's Soccer Club. The goal was set up beautifully by Matthew Choi, who spends his weekends enjoying White Russians and pop-a-shot basketball.

It took awhile for Impact to get a crucial second goal as Smells Like A (insert non-racist comment here) Person On A Bus kept pressing and ran all day like crazies attacked by a rabid dog. A headed clearance from their defense found its way to Totev who in turn spotted an unmarked Jak outside the box. The Uzbek man blasted home another magnificent long-range goal and has really become a strong addition to the team since joining this Fall. The fan base in his home country has been said to have doubled from three to six people because of his performances of late. A comfortable two-goal lead at the break but everyone sensed there was more to come from the home side.

After the restart, Impact's fluent play continued with several players glowing like a young girl getting her make-up done at Sephora. Marty got his second of the match from a wonderfully bent corner-kick by Jak, which he celebrated by gesturing how accurate the corner should be described in this report. Right winger Jason Hawkes, back from three weeks of wedding crashing, got his first goal in two years when his deflected shot crept into the corner. Kris Totev added more misery by emulating a Yoann Gourcuff free-kick that took a wicked deflection off the head of a defender in the wall. The midfielder was then fouled inside the area and handed the penalty-kick duty to Blake Ambrose, who confidently stepped up and made it six in the same hole. Worth mentioning were the two appeals for obvious penalty-kicks not awarded to Impact, and the dozen missed chances could have easily seen them double the scoreline. By far the best team performance of the year and will surely send shivers down the spine of any team facing them in the weeks to come.

For lack of more important news, the two missing Impact players were finally located and will hopefully recover in time for next weekend's game. For obvious reasons they had reaped the benefits of a two-month vacation in Chile.

Shin Guards? - Deep Impact

GSSL Division 3B October 10, 2010 5:00pm Robinswood Park #1

Shin Guards? - Deep Impact 1-4 (1-2)
0-1 Brian Virgin (Chris Allen)
0-2 Jak Ashuraliev
1-2
1-3 Brian Virgin (Chris Allen)
1-4 Blake Ambrose (Jak Ashuraliev)

Midfielder Brian Virgin bagged two goals to steer Deep Impact three points clear of second-placed Summit FC after an impressive 4-1 scoreline in Bellevue.

Virgin, not, seized the opportunity to score two crucial goals for both himself and the club as the pursuit for silverware continues. It has been said that his goals were inspired by a Glee-marathon featuring songs by Britney Spears and one about finding Jesus which was kinda crappy. The Vancouver, WA native will unfortunately miss out on next weekend's home game after being selected to perform a handy job assignment in Hannah Montana. Impact were without a whopping six players due to late family brunches and October fest, not including the heavily drugged Ambrose who is now four wisdom teeth poorer, the ill-stricken James "Maison" Choi, and dead leg Totev who all started on the bench.

Shin Guards?, whose team name is to be mentioned for the last time in this report since it's awkward enough putting a question mark in the middle of a sentence, never really threatened to cause an upset as they came out surprisingly weak in this top of the table clash. Former Work Doer and top scorer Donald's Ball was nowhere to be seen for the home side. It came as no shock when Impact took the lead through the aforementioned Brian Virgin. Assisted by striker Chris Allen, he gently mimicked a typical Stephen Ireland-finish with the inside of his right foot that sailed into the far left corner. If you ever ask Brian who Stephen Ireland is he'll have no clue what you're talking about, so the imitation itself was impressive enough.

International superstar Jak Ashuraliev would increase the lead minutes later. Jak, who will be handing out autographed soccer balls to homeless children at the Bobby Morris Playfield this upcoming Friday, shone in the central midfield role and got some nice touches in whenever a nice touch was possible. Following a total mishit by defensive midfielder Lubov, or a "sniper-attack" as some would try to disguise it as, Jak picked up the loose ball and fired a rocket from about 25 meters out, leaving the goalkeeper completely helpless in his stride. One could even hear quiet chants of "Tashkent, Tashkent, Tashkent" from an isolated section of the crowd. As in every other game so far this season Impact would concede a silly goal after being in complete control, this time from a corner where the forward was left totally unmarked for an easy header. A 2-1 lead at half-time but no real cause for concern.

The second half didn't exactly offer any reason to pull out the leftover fireworks from July but a clean sheet and two more balls in the bag secured a fifth win of the season. Brian's second goal was similar to his first, only this time the effort came with his left foot. The dazed and confused Ambrose put the game well out of reach with a Fernando Torres-like move to beat the defender before side-footing it low into the corner. Another wonderful highlight of the game was Hieu's mile-long run up the field in the first half, it was one of those rare beauties that should've been captured on camera and sealed in a vault. Totev tried to add a fifth with a Gourcuff-esque free kick he has been practicing on for weeks and was only inches wide of the upper corner, stirring up an excited yet disappointed outburst from Ryan's dad. A thoroughly deserved win for Impact, and a statement from former Seattle Central SC coach Mike "Hobo Gloves" Henderson suggested that he was never in doubt as to where the three points would end up.

In this week's breaking news, player manager Totev would like to express his gratitude toward Impact's defensive backline for sticking it to the man. Harsh words have been exchanged in the past but are now long forgotten as they managed their second clean sheet in the final 45 minutes of a match. Camden, Duong, Sas and Dunigan will now eagerly await a free Gary Lineker practice DVD, a basket of fun-sized bananas, as well as a $3 Uwajimaya gift card to arrive in their respective mailboxes.

Foster Kids - Deep Impact

GSSL Division 3B October 3, 2010 11:00am Lower Woodland #7

Foster Kids - Deep Impact 2-7 (0-3)
0-1 Marty Klingebiel (Jose Chi)
0-2 Chris Allen (Kris Totev)
0-3 Kris Totev
0-4 Tristan Traywick (Marty Klingebiel)
1-4
1-5 Blake Ambrose
1-6 Jak Ashuraliev (pk)
2-6
2-7 Blake Ambrose (Jak Ashuraliev)

The Sky Blues went top of the table after four straight wins as six different players got on the scoresheet in a 7-2 drubbing at Green Lake.

Impact handed debuts to new signings Marty Klingebiel, Jamie Watts, and long lost Seattle Central favorite Jakhongir Ashuraliev. Johnny Kummer, who was picked up on a free transfer after an all-male road trip to Vegas, has yet to make an appearance for the club as he is still waiting for his U-Haul truck to arrive from Idaho. Team manager Totev also saw the opportunity to experiment with a different formation against rock bottom Foster Kids and opted for AC Milan's famous Christmas tree with hella subs to spare.

Even with a solid 3-0 lead at half-time the formation didn't quite work the way it was intended and by the start of the second half Impact had reverted back to their familiar 4-4-2 that had secured 9 points the first three games. Marty grabbed the opening goal with a stunning header similar to Lionel Messi's goal in the Champions League final last year from a pin-point cross by Jose Chi. Chris Allen got the second after Totev's delicate chip put him through on goal. If you need a proper description of Allen's finish, please skim through the previous match reports. Totev took his tally to four goals in as many games off a long clearance by Adam Siebenaler that was poorly dealt with by the defense. The midfielder made the most of the situation and slotted the ball low past the goalkeeper.

The second half turned out to be somewhat of a mess, but there were still lots of positives to take from it as Impact kept on adding goals to their first half advantage. Tristan Traywick stated in an exclusive interview with King 5's Paul Silvi last week that he would like to get on the scoresheet soon, bro. He got his wish when Marty's accurate cross found his forehead and with a confident header he managed to get it over the goalie and in. Foster Kids pulled one back after some horrendous mistakes in the Impact back four, which quite frankly was unnecessary for Pete's sake and also meant no donut for Dominick on the day.

Blake Ambrose rose to the occasion in the second half and showed the Green Lake faithful why he has been dubbed The Wunderkind of our generation by the Laurelhurst beach club. His first came from a quick Traywick throw-in that landed in Blake's path, he then went on to diddle a couple of defenders before coolly finishing off the move. Jamie was soon after clumsily pushed in the back by the opponent's keeper and earned Impact a penalty kick. The stage was set for the return of Jak who made no mistake from the spot. Manager Totev received a thank you note from the skilled midfielder's family in Uzbekistan for the generous gesture of letting their son get off the mark in his first game for the club. Foster Kids would get another goal before Ambrose rounded off a good display by pouncing on a perfectly weighted through-ball by Jak and getting his second goal of the afternoon.

In recent news, soon-to-be New Yorker Maison Choi caught a glimpse of the Impact Washington headquarters in Mukilteo on his way to a Korean barbecue and noticed that the main offices were only slightly bigger than the company's logo on our jerseys. The team's sponsor stated that they're willing to offer Choi a job with decent pay if he can fit inside a dollhouse.